Being Cool
How learning to forge our own sense of self can improve our relationships
In a wonderful interview with Eurovision hero Sam Ryder , one stand out insight (amongst many), reads ‘Cool is something that is imposed on people by someone else whose journey it isn’t.’ Wow! How many of us wish we could pass this on to our younger selves?
So many of my clients — in individual and couples therapy sessions — struggle with identity. Labels can be so harmful, and expectations from others; oppressive. Whether it’s sporting or academic standards, or cultural and social values; other peoples ‘stuff’ gets passed on to us from an early age.
During our teenage years and often into adulthood, we can struggle with these introjects. Is this what I want? Is this who I am?
Perhaps being ‘cool’ is something that we aspired to be, and therefore we assume it’s a compliment when someone tells us that we are? But Sam is right. It’s still something imposed by someone else. It’s still a label. And that imposition — like any other — is something that we don’t need to take on.
Our sense of self is formed in our early years, but is developed over a lifetime. I have worked with clients who have struggled with identity for decades, and through our therapeutic relationship; have been able to finally forge their own.
One of the integral aspects of a therapists’ perspective is to have unconditional positive regard for our clients. A characteristic that Sam Ryder seems to embody. It’s more than being non-judgemental, it’s essentially a commitment to always viewing our clients in a positive way without condition or exception. Whilst it is not impossible to find this in a non therapeutic relationship, it’s rare. We all have our own ‘stuff’ passed down to us by our caregivers who of course also had their own.
Your life is your journey. It is not fixed, it is not dependent on other peoples views of how you should be. You don’t have to be cool, or clever and sometimes it’s ok to not be ok. The path you forge, can only be your best life.